Spiritual direction, therapy, and counseling all can be dangerous even to well-intentioned people. Emotional intimacy itself can be problematic, and can lead to physical intimacy.
A friend of mine who was an Episcopal minister said that always remembered that both his and the women’s guardian angel were in the room when he talked to the parishioners (almost always women) whom he was counseling. (When he told this to seminarians, they laughed.) He also sat behind his desk and handed tissues to a crying woman. A man’s natural tendency is to put his arm around a crying women to comfort her, but…
One time he was sitting behind his desk talking to a women crying about her abusive husband when the large and intensely jealous husband barged into the office. Fortunately my friend was behind the desk, not sitting next to the women, innocently holding her hand trying to comfort her.
There are grave dangers in the therapist/counselor/priest becoming emotionally involved with the person with whom he is relating. Freud discovered the process of transference in his psychotherapy sessions and therapists have had chronic problems with sexual involvement with patients.
Confession and spiritual direction has long been a source of concern to church authorities, Stephen Haliczer has written a book on the subject, Sexuality in the Confessional: A Sacrament Profaned. He looked into the archives of the Inquisition which have numerous cases of such abuse. The Church did try to act against them, but never succeeded in ending them.
The Church’s safeguards and penalties did not stop abuses, but what to do? People want to talk about their failures and worries, and if they don’t talk to a priest they go to a therapist, who has even fewer safeguards. Or worse still they go on TV and tell the world.
When I was a young teenager, I went to confession often, and I remember that one priest started a line of questioning that made me very uncomfortable. Decades later, I learned that one of the priests in that parish was a known abuser, but I do not remember if my questioner was that priest.
But what is a priest to do. Someone confesses a sexual sin, well, is it a fantasy or is it adultery or incest or bestiality? A priest really has to know what is going on to give a suitable penance and strong advice about avoiding the occasion of sin.
As to spiritual direction, I think that in general women should give spiritual direction to women, which I believe is the practice in some organizations. The danger of emotional involvement is far greater than in confession, because spiritual directional usually involves talking about the general troubles and concerns of life that affect the spiritual life, including sexual difficulties and problems with spouses.
And all this applies to well-intentioned people. Narcissists and abusers use confession and direction as ways to seduce people, both boys and women.
Here, on the subject, is the background of a lawsuit that was just filed by a woman:
She said she met Wenthe [a priest of the archdiocese of St. Paul] when she took a class for adults converting to Catholicism. Wenthe was a speaker for the course.
A spiritual adviser told the woman she should seek out a priest to be her “regular confessor” for spiritual comfort, guidance and consolation. The woman asked about Wenthe, and the adviser agreed he would be a good choice.
She subsequently went to confession with Wenthe at least four times, she told police. At times, he took her confession in a private sitting room adjacent to his bedroom in the church rectory.
The woman said, “I thought I was talking to God.”
The first sexual contact occurred in his bedroom when the defendant lay on top of her and asked her to perform oral sex, she said.
“I remember pleading with him that we should stop, that degree of sin mattered and we should stop. He became incredibly frustrated with me. He made me feel like I had done this to him and that I was obligated to finish the job,” she said, according to the complaint.
The two began to have sexual encounters about every two weeks. Meanwhile, she continued to attend Mass and receive communion from him, something she said “restored her faith in him as a priest.”
At times, the defendant invited her to the sacristy after the service — an area of the church containing vestments and furnishings that is not accessible to the general public — and they had sex.
The woman told police her eating disorder worsened. “I was subconsciously using my eating behaviors as a way to punish myself for what I believed was my sin,” she wrote in an October 2006 letter to a high-ranking church official, describing the relationship.
Police met with Wenthe and his attorney in August. He acknowledged the sexual contact and that it continued regularly for several months. He said he was sent for treatment by the archdiocese for a “generalized anxiety disorder.”
“He stated he believed the entire time he was acting as a friend to (the woman) and not a priest,” the complaint said.
State law forbids sexual contact between members of the clergy and those they are counseling.
It is not clear whether the violation of the state law is a criminal or civil matter. If it was a criminal matter, church officials do not seem to have reported matters to the police.
The archdiocese sent Wenthe for a psychological assessment and treatment and he was returned to active ministry in August 2006 “with certain conditions and restrictions,” McGrath said.
But once a priest had committed such an egregious violation of the sacraments, can he ever be trusted again?
I remember reading something by a pastor about how he would often find himself tempted to do to a person in his counseling care what Satan wanted to do to that person. So he began to understand that if he felt irritation and a desire to tell someone to get lost, that was precisely what Satan wanted him to do, to reinforce a sense of rejection and utter loneliness in the person seeking help.
If he felt any kind of sexual temptation, ditto. So he began to realize the feelings he had were an important tool in discerning the problems that person was encountering.
I have often remembered that because there are some people who I may find annoying and want to tell off, but really, is that temptation being drawn up in me to do hand out to that person what he or she is used to receiving? Or is it something that should be drawing me into deeper intercession?
People who have been sexually abused (or physically or emotionally abused) often seem to carry an unconscious sign that “invites” or draws predators, so victims are re-victimized over and over again. And I don’t ‘think that most people understand the way a kind of Stockholm Syndrome can take over, or how abused people can be drawn back to abuse for a strange complex of unconscious reasons.
Deborah
Thanks for this. And you raise a good point that if hurting people don’t go to priests, they’ll go to someone else where there’s more likely to be trouble.
I believe the obvious solution is (1) good training in the seminaries, (2) sensible safeguards for confession (e.g., there must always be a screen between the priest and a female penitent), and (3) spiritual direction of women should be by women.
Interesting insight Deborah, but I worry even more about people who join “Catholic” Movements and are Directed by laity as in Regnum Christi and Opus Dei.
I spoke with a woman in Florida who had exited RC and experienced a subsequent nervous breakdown of sorts.Another member had told her she questioned the Movement after going to a Lay Director and excusing herself to the bathroom. She claimed she opened the wrong door by mistake and discovered another RC Leader in the room with a tape recorder, pen and paper ,recording her answers during the session. Both women left the Movement/cult. But the one who called me recounted being sure she was doomed to hell because she was turning her back on Christ for leaving.After inquiring what kinds of questions the Lay Director was asking it was obvious that she was being asked the most intimate details of her life which included everything that caused her to feel guilt.
My impression was that the organization manipulated it’s members in an effort to control an individuals Free Will which even God does not deprive a soul of unwillingly.
Therefore, people who join Movements ,Groups etc that employ Lay SD like Opus Dei and the Legion , should be aware that their innermost confidences are NOT protected by the Seal of Confession and may be used as an effective tool for manipulation.
I happen to be a parishioner of the above parish, oh joy.
Fabulous job by the archdiocese in this instance….
Police first talked to Wenthe in August 2010, the complaint said. He acknowledged his sexual relationship with the woman. He said the archdiocese had confronted him about his “inappropriate relationship with her” and sent him to treatment for a “generalized anxiety disorder.”
“generalized anxiety disorder”. Perfect.
Why was he ordained? Why was he not sent packing? How could he be made pastor of anything???
Certain restrictions… 1) please do not sexually assault your charges. pretty please. really we’re going to insist on that one.
What an embarrassment and disgrace.
Good suggestions by Crowhill.
Along with good training in seminaries, I think there need to be lay people involved on committees judging whether or not a particular person should be admitted to the seminary, and also whether they should be ordained after completing their studies.
Regarding the case above, why didn’t the victims’ attorney contact the criminal authorities?!
“But once a priest had committed such an egregious violation of the sacraments, can he ever be trusted again?”
NO, never again!
That is his Achilles’ heel.
I know the priest – or thought I did, but I was just acquainted, but I know the parish – and the layout of the rectory. This was deliberate – I say that because the rectory has offices – which should be used for consultation. There is a public parlour as well – which can be used – on the mezzanine level is a sun room – that might be used – upstairs are the priest’s apartments with private living rooms, baths, and bedrooms. Wenthe invited the woman to his apartment.
Get my point? That should never – ever happen.
That said, priests shouldn’t develop personal friendships with their penitents.
Patrick,
My condolences. I really liked the part about being treated for “generalized anxiety disorder”. Last time I checked, GAD doesn’t cause priests to immediately (seriously, it didn’t take him long, did it?) hone in on women with a past history of being sexually abused and pressure them to perform oral sex on them. And then keep doing it. For months.
How anybody in his or her right mind could think it was okay to return this guy to ministry is beyond me. My husband asked, “Isn’t there a way to hold accountable therapists and psychologists who sign these predators off as being safe for return to duty?” One would think, but I guess not.
This just happened to me… I don’t know who to turn too. Trust
My friend told me basically it was my fault because I allowed him into my house. I asked to be victimized. I left the church before but found my calling again. So I thought
Susan,
I just read your comment. I’m so sorry that something so horrible has happened to you. Even worse, that a ‘friend’ could place blame at your feet. Personally, I don’t need friends as you describe.
Perhaps you should seek help from someone with the appropriate education and trained in dealing with such issues. Preferably someone of the same gender.
Good luck!