In his comment, Joe makes the point
· Strength is not the absence of tears. Strength is the presence of resolution in the midst of crisis.
Men should be able to show emotion: Jesus wept.
My mother died in my arms. I arranged the funeral, and a friend of mine led his choir. I kept my composure until the In Paradisum, when I began weeping uncontrollably.
I was not ashamed of it. My mother had suffered the pangs of childbirth and shed many tears over me as I was growing up. The least I could do was weep for her when she parted from this world.
My mother-in-law died immediately after my mother’s death. When I drove to her house the first time after her death, I was playing Celtic music. As I drove down the lane to the now-empty house, Lori Pappajohn began playing “I Will Ever Love Thee.” Again I wept. What better tribute could I bring?
Another friend of mine had become alienated from his family. He died in my arms, and I had to buy a burial plot and arrange for his funeral.
And so on. As I grow older, the list of the dead I pray for every days grows longer and longer, from infants to 12-year-olds to the elderly.
Sunt lacrimae rerum.
Leon, the more you love someone, the more you will grieve for that person…and weeping is the most appropriate way to show grief. Christianity as a whole can learn a lot about dealing with death and ensuing grief. I strongly suggest a Christian organization called GriefShare (www.griefshare.org). The group I attended was beyond beneficial to my recovery.
Joseph and Leon, Your stories have touched me. One reason I have not been able to contribute much to blogs is that my mother died in my arms on the 4th of June. I strongly feel that she died as a result of incompetent medical care at the local hospital. The doctors ran her intervenous fluids 24/7 for two weeks. She gained 10 to 12 pounds water weight to the point where I could no longer pick her up without help. The last week of her life was pure hell as I saw that she could not get rid of those fluids. Not being a medical person, I believed the nurse when she carelessly said that the swelling would go away when she came home. I am really bitter and I know the pain of what happened to her will hurt me everyday until I die.
I experienced a very impersonal medical system where it is difficult to get a family doctor to come to the hospital or to get a hospitalist doctor to even talk to you.
I have quit praying. Perhaps I was bombarding God with so many of the same requests that I could not hear Him telling me to get her out of that hospital I am trying to listen for Wisdom now.
This is the second time in my life that a wrongful death has taken a close loved one from me.
Thank you for such a blog where people express their opinions without making snide remarks about other religions. This is the way education should be.
Janice, I remember you from Rod Dreher’s old blog, right? I am so, so sorry about your mom’s death. The best thing you can do right now is to get as many people as you can to help you deal with such things as financial matters, housekeeping or even a possible lawsuit against the hospital or the doctors in question. Believe me when I tell you that the pain of grief in its early stages is so great that, sometimes, all you can do is live second to second.
When my mom died, I felt that God betrayed me. In the final six weeks of her life, I enlisted the aid of Pentecostal ministries and individuals for divine healing. Her last words to me were, “I don’t want to die” (and she was a very strong Christian). I took that as my advance directive and marching orders. I prayed. Intercessors from around the world prayed. I laid hands on her. Others did as well. I claimed Biblical promises. Her death was the most devastating thing I have experienced.
Despite all this, I realized that God provided a spiritual cushion for me to fall on through these Pentecostals. One of them has a home group that meets every week only a half-mile from my home. For all intents and purposes, I consider it my church.
The greatest thing these Pentecostals taught me was that all those who place their faith in Christ are God’s adopted sons and daughters, whom He loves more profoundly than we can imagine. I know that all Christian churches believe this, but the vast majority of them fail to emphasize it as they blindly walk into the abyss. I have clinged to that and it has been *the* basis of my ongoing recovery.
Janice, see if there’s a GriefShare group meeting near you. You can go to the Web site and find out. The site also has various resources to help.
May God bless, enlighten and protect you as you endure this time in your life.
Thank you, Joseph, for your kind response. The nearest GriefShare to my house is four miles. This week I will call and inquire.
This is not the first time I have had to deal with wrongful death. In 1983 my first husband died in a military hospital from having his case mismanaged. He died 28 years ago today. It was so devastating that it was not until June that a friend drove me to see a malpractice lawyer. What was additionally devastating was that most of my nearest and dearest (mother, physician brother, close friends) did not believe me until I got the settlement. When my lawyer sent for the medical records, he was informed that they were lost, and a clinical summary had been substituted. I was able to prove that the clinical summary was false because I had saved some of the prescriptions. Yes, medical professionals can engage in false witness.
The idea of dealing with another lawsuit is not appealing, but I may at least go talk to the same lawyer. I have heard that no one takes the death of the elderly very seriously because they are going to die soon anyway.
I was able to go to church regularly until the Thanksgiving service. That day was the 75th anniversary of my parents wedding. Afterwards I could not face Christmas and still do not have the energy to return.
Thank you to all that have remembered me in your prayers.
Remember to be careful in hospitals.
Yes, I am the same Janice who contributed to the Crunchy Con blog. I mainly tried to straighten out some people’s false ideas about history. I think every blog of this sort could benefit from instruction by professional church historians. I am merely an amateur.
Janice, I will keep you in my prayers. Please keep me posted on how you’re doing. I have a Facebook account and you can “friend” me, if you wish.
Janice, you’re in my prayers as well.
My mother has begun the “death” of dementia and I find a once vital woman (born of an Irish dad and Dutch mom – good stubborn outspoken stock!) forgetting more and more, and imagining outlandish things to be true. My brother and I seem to be in a continual state of mourning as she disappears like a Cheshire Cat. When she eventually crosses to the Lord, I know my brother and I will be devastated. I will weep without shame.
Thank you for your concern.
I went through at least 10 years of such imaginings. She would yell “help, help” and fight me every time I had to force her to take a bath. She was always asking me to take her to see her parents and grandparents. And, finally, one cold stormy night, when we lost the electricity, she scolded me, saying, “I never thought that you would let a thing like this happen.” It was exasperating at the time, but now I just laugh. I am thankful for every minute of the 65 years I had with her.
Everyday I prayed that I would not do anything that would hurt her; and yet, the medical decisions I made were all wrong and they did hurt her. This pain will be with me for the rest of my life. I guess that learning how to live with pain is part of life. She always told me to focus my attention on the needs of the living, and I will honor her by doing that.